Managing conflict at work

In a previous job I encountered a situation that tested my confidence.  I got feedback that a client was not satisfied with some of the work I provided.

The feedback almost broke my desire to continue working.  It made me doubt myself, skills, and abilities in the role I was in. I discussed this challenge during reflection session with my team leader who told me “Don’t take it personal.” I was like what? How can I not take it personal when I put in a lot of effort and time in coordinating the service? I didn’t understand it felt a sense of failure and incompetence in my part. Auch! It hurt.

 For a while, I thought about the feedback. I swear, I didn’t sleep that night. The feedback kept on replaying in my head like a clockwork. The next day I booked another appointment with my team leader. Am glad I did because our meeting changed how I viewed, and I approached work to date.  Although I am still driven to perform, think and feel deeply about my work delivery, I have learnt and continue to learn not to take work related matters personally. Thanks to my patient and resourceful team leader.

Let us take the case of my friend Faith- a talent acquisition manager for an agency in Sydney Australia.  In a recent discussion while having a walk at Park told me that she derives a sense of value from her work and because of that she pushes herself to deliver quality work by ensuring that contracting companies get the rightly qualified candidates for the jobs. Faith said, sometimes when a candidates walk away from the job after an offer like it happened recently, she feels like a failure. 

Research indicate that we spend about 90,000 hours at work over our lifetime or at least a third of our lives at work. With such lots of ours spent at work, it is not surprising to find that, over time our professional roles can easily get linked with a sense of being. However, this may not be the case with everyone, but it is more likely to happen to those of us who are driven to perform, take our work seriously and take pride in what we do.

Here is the thing, our careers or jobs are not just about salary or earnings, it also provides us with a sense of purpose- something to look forward to everyday, growth and a sense of belonging.

Sometimes when starting out in our jobs and careers journeys, even into the middle of our work journeys, we encounter and experience all types of challenges and setbacks. It is normal. Everyone experiences work associated challenges at one point in their work life. Even in business it happens. Think of unsatisfied and disgruntled customers.

Thing is, to deliver results work entails teamwork. We must work with other people to achieve productivity. These include management, colleagues, and clients. And as we work within teams, who all have different and unique working styles, some of our working styles can conflict with those of other team members. Management expects us to work according in accordance with organizational policy. Clients too, have their expectations that might not be possible to fully meet due systemic guidelines.

When we fail to meet work expectations and apportion blame to ourselves, we run the risk of developing a feeling of personal responsibility even in situations that could purely have arisen because of policy failure or systemic error. It is therefore imperative that we look at these work situations objectively.

Our jobs are defining features of our lives. They give us a sense identity. Research indicate that our brains don’t differentiate between what is personal from what is not. When we feel uncomfortable with some situations that we perceived to be a threat, our brains immediately take up the signal that we are being attacked. We start to feel hurt, become defensive, anxious, and even angry at those we perceive to be behind us our discomfort. When that happens, we are likely to feel personally targeted.

Following are some strategies we can take to avoid taking things personal at work.

1. Take a break.

When faced with a challenge that you feel you are not able to resolve for example a conflict with a colleague at work, a client or management, it is important to resolve it objectively. Let us take an example of a situation where you were involved in near argument with a colleague over differing approach to a project you both were involved in. And you felt angry. Research strongly suggests against immediate reaction because you run the risk of making more mistakes that you might regret later.

Recognize your emotion and weigh your options.  Move away and take time to respond. Ask yourself, was it about me as a person or the project? Removing yourself from the situation reduces your vulnerability to making mistakes. Taking time to think over the issue provides you with the opportunity to cool down. Time is a healer. Taking time tends to deflate emotions, helping us to regain our composure and restore ourselves back to our rational self. Taking time gives us the opportunity reflect and think things through in a way that is impersonal.

2. Respectfully set boundaries at work

Are you one of those resourceful people in which other team members rely on to answer almost every work-related questions? And there is that boss who keeps on asking for more and client who can never enough from you? Learn to respectfully say no. Remember, your wellbeing and safety comes first, whether physically or mentally. So, you have a duty of care just like your employer to take reasonable action towards your safety at work.  Accepting work without setting boundaries can lead to burnout especially when you really know that you are struggling but you don’t want to let people down. Consider your priorities, learn to respectively say no when you feel that your limit has been over stretched. Don’t be a people pleaser, it is difficult to please people even in personal life.

• Build immunity against your fears and self-doubts.

Instead of avoiding situation because you doubt your abilities or fear the outcome in case things don’t go as expected, learn to desensitize yourself by facing small, imagined fears one at a time. Over time you will be able to tolerate situations that you used to perceive as uncomfortable or fearful.

Remember, some fears could just be imagined unless they are tested. By facing perceived fearful situations gradually, overtime you will learn to relate to them with calmness and composure. Research indicate that exposing ourselves to the things that we perceive to be stressful instead of avoiding them can reduce our fears and avoidance by up to 90%. Building our ability to resist fear and stop avoiding situations helps us redesign our identity.

4. Learn to regulate your emotions

Working with and in a team can present with its challenges. We always work and mingle with people with different personalities. As such, some of the personalities and working styles may not align with ours. And we find ourselves at times disagreeing or being offended by how others do things. For example, you were in a work meeting to discuss or update on a project. A team member gets dismissive of your opinion. And you leave the meeting feeling deflated and undervalued. Instead of assuming that your team member undervalued your feedback, thinks about possibilities that might have caused the team member to react the way they did. Maybe it was not even about your input but about them and a situation that they might have encountered earlier before attending the meeting. This often happens to people and they unintentionally take their frustrations on others without putting in lots of thought.

Another situation could be that they did not understand the topic, or they took your input out of context. Instead of roasting yourself in your own feelings, when you feel safe and confident to talk, consider approaching the person to seek clarification. You may say to the person “I felt confused by the comment you made during our recent meeting. I may not have understood you, but it sounded like you had apprehensions. Could you please clarify so that I can understand your view.” You might appreciate that the person did not even realize that their actions hurt you and are willing to apologize.

Just putting out there, bullying should not be tolerated. If you feel that you are being bullied, use your organizational policy to report.  Research explains bullying to be a repeated and intentional use of words or actions to demean or hurt another person. What we are discussing here are one off situations that may not be considered or are not classified as bullying.

5. Use failures as learning opportunities.

When set priority does not go as planned or a proposal, we so desired gets rejected or a client expresses dissatisfaction with our work, it is easy for us to take these situations as personal failure leading to frustrations and self-doubt. Whilst we hate to experience or feel a sense of failure, it is important to learn from it or find out why it happened and what we can do differently next time.  Such is a mature way of approaching situations. It is more objective and impersonal. It helps us appreciate the unpleasant and unpredictable nature of work without letting them define who we are – Not taking things personally at work is a very important survival tactic that can help us survive and break through most of the challenges that work throws your way.

Melody Wilding from Havard Business review once wrote.

“Taking things personal at work is not a sign of weakness but a reflection of your passion and a deep sense of responsibility. By approaching situations with more objectivity, you can navigate your professional journey with greater clarity, balance, and effectiveness.”